Monday, January 17, 2011

A Full Heart

I don't usually do this, I tend to find it self-righteous and didactic. But I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for my Father in Heaven and for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have not made any posts in a while. Life has not done what I expected. I have felt more pain in the last month than I thought possible to live through. I have experienced more worry and heartache than I ever have before. But as I pause and ponder, for even those I am thankful.

There was a time in my life when I couldn't have felt those feelings at all. For many years I struggled with and eating disorder and self-injury. At those points in my life, I could not have even felt those feelings. I was so immersed in self-destruction and the attempt to not be human that I was not capable of feeling human. Now, while I hurt still, I also know that I can feel exquisite joy. I know what happiness is. And I am grateful for all feelings I am able to bear, because I can feel them.

At other points in my life I have been so entrenched in low self-esteem and depression that there is no way I would be alive right now. If this hurt had come at those points, I would have found more than ample reason to kill myself so thoroughly that no hospital would have helped. And while at times the only reason I've had for getting rid of suicidal thoughts was that of the baby I'm carrying, I have been able to overcome those thoughts and temptations which only two years ago would have bested me in a moment.

I am beyond grateful for the words given to us by the Latter-Day prophets. They speak of courage and hope. The words of the Lord, as said through the mouths of His servants, teach us how to endure to the end. They teach us of God's love, not only for ourselves, but for each person we come in contact with. How wonderful it is to be able to listen to those who have been set apart to teach us that which the Lord needs us to hear. And with that, how grateful I am for ears that can hear. Or eyes and a brain that can read. For the blessing of the Internet and television. How grateful I am that I don't have to wait for stone tablets to be hewn for us to maybe get the chance to read one day. But that I have access to both hard copy and virtual print at any time.

How grateful I am for the commandments and principles set out by God to guide us. God has told us how He wants us to live. It's no secret. There's nothing to guess. His way is the way to happiness. And happiness is eternal. How grateful I am for an eternal perspective on things. Elder Wirthlin's talk, "Come What May and Love It" is such a treasure. Life will be hard, but we can buck it up and love it. There is a a line I just read in a talk given by President Monson, "Be of Good Cheer" for which I am thankful. "This attitude [steadfastness and good cheer, keeping Christ as the center of life] is what will pull us through whatever comes our way. It will not remove our troubles from us but rather will enable us to face our challenges, to meet them head on, and to emerge victorious." (Brackets added). Not one of the brethren have told us life will be easy. They haven't said you will always be happy if you do this and this. They have told us that we will be able to learn and "emerge victorious" through our trials and heartache.

 And finally I am grateful for my marriage. It breaks my heart that it is over, as it seems. I will eternally love my husband. He is the man I choose eternity with. And while there were some really tough times and it didn't seem like we would ever be happy, I learned so much. I learned about me. I learned about God. I learned that people do not judge nearly as much I thought they did. I learned that life will go on. I am learning to trust in God. I am grateful for the happy times. I am grateful that I have been able to get through some of the rough times. I am grateful for what I have learned for the future. I am immeasurably greaful for the daughter that is to come out of this marriage. I am grateful for the blessing I had to go to the temple. The temple has been such a grounding for my life. It has given me focus and purpose. And without being able to get married, I doubt that I would have had such focus in my life. I am grateful for the progress I have been able to make because I was in a marriage. I am a very different person than I was two years ago. I am grateful that I have been able to experience love, not only getting, but the ability and opprotunity I've had to love another person.
Every day is not like this, mind you. I cry a lot still. I can't go into a grocery store without breaking down. I get angry. I blame. Trials of life have just begun to open. But I can see a little more easily the blessings that are connected to those trails. God loves you. God loves me. Christ atoned for our sins as well as our anguish. I truly have a testimony of that. And while it is hard to remember at all times. I do know it. I know that immense love God has for ALL of his children.

This is a link to President Monson's talk.
http://lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/be-of-good-cheer?lang=eng

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful. Simply Beautiful. I couldn't help but feel Heavenly Father's love as I read this post. My testimony has been strengthened through reading yours. Thank you!

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